Last night I could feel it bubbling up. I was washing my face getting ready for bed and I felt the energy building and the tears coming to the surface. As per my usual practice now, I don’t suppress these tears…I let them out. I let them be expressed. I went into my room and cried and cried and CRIED! This was a big one! And I mean a BIG one! I felt all the loneliness and sadness and judgement surrounding not being understood by others. Not being truly seen by others. Being “too much” for people to handle. I felt the anguish of being one that is always seeming to be standing just on the outside of the circle…all the while needing to be strong. Constantly scraping the bottom of the barrel to pull miracle after miracle out of my ass.
I felt it for me and I felt it for others. I felt the total torture that it is to feel invisible…to feel like I don’t matter. To feel that no one gets me. No one! I felt the desires from my body and my soul to be held and touched and kissed by someone that would truly honor me and be a gentle holder of my womanhood and of my soul. I felt the extreme discomfort that comes along with separation from society…separation from the majority. I felt the grief that comes along with always not fitting in.
ALWAYS not fitting in.
Witches don’t fit in. And even if you find a group where you do feel that you can express more things, it’s not my experience that just because you have this group, that they will always totally get you in every single way. Every witch is different, every human is different. And all of our PATHS are different.
I have felt these things many times before. This time I felt it without any apology. There were no internal “pep talks”. Ya know, things like…. “Com’mon, you can do this! YOU create your reality. Only you can be in charge of your own happiness. You can choose joy.” (Insert herkie here. Insert vision board here). Nope it wasn’t time for the pep talk about choosing joy.
I already know that. This wasn’t the time for that. This was a time for a wounded soul to be able to mourn.
Anyway, it was a huge purge. HUGE. One of my biggest ever! I bawled until it felt like my eyelids were turned inside out. The sobs shook my entire body. The screams came out. Yes...I allowed the screams to come out (imagine that). I felt this all so much and allowed it all to come out so much that when I was done, it truly felt like I’d been through a trauma. I feebly wiped my snotty nose on the corner of my bedspread and then rolled over into fetal position and fell asleep. I didn’t even notice that I hadn’t turned off my bedside lamp or blown out the candle on my nightstand.
I dreamed all night….pinging and ponging back and forth between realms it seemed. I felt like I’d been unzipped out of my body and my soul was hanging on a clothes line. I dreamed of a mad scientist-type woman opening my lower back and tweaking my bones and veins (*wires). Woof, the lines between dream time and waking time are really blurred. When these lines are blurred, and the two worlds get closer to each other (to the point of overlapping for much of the time), life feels like one big trance. But during this trance I’m not “zoned out” or “dulled”…I’m feeling everything SO deeply. I’m seeing everything SO clearly. And when I’m in that space of true seeing and true feeling there is MUCH to cry about, much to laugh about, much to ponder, much to express... and ...much that can be honored only by silence.
This, ladies and gentleman….THIS is shadow work. This is initiation. This is integration. This is stepping into it with my own Catherine feet…to do it myself. Not wait for someone else to deliver it to me. Easy to say, right? Sure…it was easy to say…not so easy to DO. Because to DO it requires that I embody it. I FEEL it with every part of my heart, body and soul. And I’m not really surprised to find out that it’s truly hard (now there’s an understatement!) to tap into the core of the earth and feel the anguish of generations past (and present) and all the pain & love that they feel. I just barely have put the tip of my index finger on it for a split second and I almost imploded!
This is getting really intense. This shit is getting really REAL!
This blog post doesn’t end with something like “And therefore…here’s the point I’m making and here’s what I’ve decided to do about it and the secret answer is.... _______”. Why? Because I have no idea (although I’m getting some ideas). I’m just stumbling along this experience with the rest of ya. I’m just one person in a sea of millions. I’m not one to give answers. I’m not even sure if I’m asking the right questions. I don’t even know if “right” questions exist.
So, fill in the blank with whatever works for you. And in the meantime, I cannot keep these words by Chumbley out of my head “Those who cannot walk the path alone will be walked over by those who can”. So, I’ll keep doing my version of walking this path…which is stumbling. More like….stumbling while trying to run up a muddy hill with my shoelaces untied.
But onward is still my goal!
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