I came across this writing I did 6 years ago today. I decided to share it without altering it at all. Although I don't think I necessarily believe the whole part about "Our Demons being our greatest allies" in the same way, I DO truly believe that by not running from our Demons....ya know...actually taking a look and being in relationship with them...that's the way to LIBERATION and HEALING. Maybe you'll take something from this writing too.....
"The way demons usually come up for me is quite unexpected. And I would say…they are little jerks if you ask me…I’ve gone through hell…I’ve spent weeks and weeks with my self-loathing. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night haunted by my mistakes….only able to see my flaws…and to feel so desperately unable and incapable of dealing with my flaws.
Then I make it through that murky time. I somehow manage to wade through the shit that is those few weeks. I come out, ready to look at the sun for a bit…ready to peek out of my hole to get a little glimmer of sunlight.
I do it…I feel the sunlight on my face. I look at the passersby. They look at me. None of us die from this intimate interaction. I start to feel the rumblings of alive-ness in my chest & in my belly. I feel capable all of a sudden. I check in and the message I get is…it’s time to nourish myself. Give myself sunshine and water & food. I spend hours making a nice meal. I give the first offerings of this delicious meal to the Ancestors…to the Spirits. I give the next offering to myself. I make the plate pretty. I make it photo-worthy…aesthetically pleasing. I sit down with it and look at it, I take it all in…….and just when I’m about to take my first bite……………………….
I hear the words in my head of my mother telling me what and who she expects me to be at age 14. I hear my ex-husbands voice in the room, telling me what and who he expects me to be at age 26. I hear my own voice, programmed by the world, telling me what and who I should be time and time and time (and TIME!) again……
The demons rise up when I’ve barely had time to smell my meal.
Have I received enough nourishment from preparing the meal and smelling it alone? I don’t’ know. So, in my despair, I snarf down the entire plate. I don’t savor…I snarf. I am a desperate animal… I am in survival mode. I need to pad up in order to survive the winter of the night that I know is coming.
Demons are not little incarnates of the devil….demons are what we create. Demons are memories…demons almost always show up as self-hatred for me. Why? Because that’s their job & they do it well.
A dear Brother recently talked to me about something he’d been thinking about….making your demons your allies. I have been chewing on this for weeks now. And I now get at least a small part.
Demons are our allies because they are the ones that keep us company at night. That’s what I always said I wanted….someone that I am close to ..someone that truly sees me (sees me & doesn't run)…to hold me at night. My demons have been holding me close during the nights. And although I know that it’s going to be time to say goodbye to some of them soon, I know that others will take their place….and I know that the One that is close to you at night is not always who you would expect…but it’s definitely someone who knows you well….and there is comfort in that…even if it IS just for one night.
So, come to me my demons…hold me tight…until I am ready to not hold you. But if that day never comes…please know, you have been my closest friends. My true allies."
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